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    just when you thought THIS was your happy ending

    so, one thing i learnt in this 25 years is that.. happiness doesn't come easy.
    It doesnt mean you have to give up on happiness, be happy no matter what. no matter how hard it is.

    So, what made me say this ? well , i met someone. Someone who i had a crush on for quite long. So, when we finally hit that road, i thought to myself .. Yes, this is it. its him . he's my ending.. guess what? i totally doubt it right now. It's only been 1 month and im dreading it already. *fuckin big laugh*

    Don't get me wrong , he is LOVELY. Heaven sent but the problem is ME. HAHAHAHHAHAHAH !!! i'm dead serious, its me. Sensitive, always doubting him . I feel like i dragged my own ass into hell , i didn't even need the devil to pull my ass there. ahhahahahahhaha.

    well, thats just me ranting and wondering what is wrong with me.
    I might have a problem , like a problem trusting. Whats wrong with me ? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH

    "just when you thought THIS was your happy ending" was Posted On: 18.12.17 @8:31 PM | 0 lovely comments
    Tired of these feelings

    I never really thought that falling out of love was really possible. Until it really happened, I feel like i don't want him around, I feel suffocated when he's being a little bit overwhelming.

    It's really suffocating...

    sometimes , i feel like its the end of the world when he is not around but is it really? i doubt it.

    I can always answer for people when they ask me "what is wrong with me ?". Man, i'd give them a straight up answer . Surprisingly, when it comes to my own problems...i always seem to face a fucking dead end. Literally speaking. A MAJOR FUCKING DEAD END.

    Explains though, why women are so complicated. We are !! Don't you dare shake your head ! Have you ever yelled at your boyfriend/husband/partner for nothing ? then  go to bed thinking "Why did i do that for?" bitch, you didn't even know why you yelled at him for. Are you going to say sorry ? No. Why ? because you iz a bitch and you said sorry in your heart and you still hoping he is going to try to make you happy. Bitch you iz dreaming. hahahahah, women. geez. 

    "Tired of these feelings" was Posted On: 22.8.17 @8:36 PM | 0 lovely comments

    We are what we are made off.

    "" was Posted On: 19.7.17 @4:44 PM | 0 lovely comments
    Rest in Peace

    Do you know the feeling .. that particular feeling that arises when you hear the news? That unfamiliar tinge or drop your heart makes . I cannot put my finger around it, i can't really feel. I do not know how to react in this situations..

    Death is an indeed inevitable .. so are the feelings . It may not come now but it will later. Sooner or later it will sink in , you won't be numb anymore. Writing this, my facial expression cannot be read. I myself know that i'm not really feeling anything. I am numb , the news got to me real fast and i wanted to cry. I was in shock , i didn't believe it . no.. i didn't want to believe it.

    Hours has passed and i'm still not sure about what i feel , it's as if he is not gone. It's funny how i am still expecting him to reply my message. I just want to hear his voice saying "its gonna be okay" . I am not a person who deals with emotions very well but typing this.. i'm letting it go.. my eyes are glassy and my heart is aching..

    It's terrible , my words are in a jumble. I'm speechless.. thinking about how gruesome  his death is. I want to be able to know what he felt , how did he cope , his quote was "CARPE DIEM" the urge to live life to the fullest. Oh yes , he was a happy person . He was ALWAYS positive . He had an air in him that made EVERYONE who met him LOVE him. I loved him , my best friends loved him , my sister loved him , she said he was a very trustworthy man . Nevertheless, the thought is still haunting me , i read the news and wondered .. he and his partner ejected from the aircraft , what did they say to each other ? what did he think about ? did he cry ? did he pray ? he hasn't even eaten since its fasting month. He must've been hungry too .. hungry , in pain , lost , thinking about his wife and his six children he left at home.. how are they coping ? are the kids big enough to understand that daddy is not coming home anymore?

    How am i gonna feel after this ? should i live up his Quote? live life to the fullest and don't care about what is going to happen in the future? how am i gonna feel knowing that i won't be able to see him again. knowing that i won't be receiving his messages and calls telling me he's back in Labuan.. How am i gonna feel  knowing that i have one less person who brings me up when im down ? who sticks by me no matter what even after finding out what a bad person/friend i am..

    Wiping away my tears, i've come to realize that Missing someone who you won't get to see hurts so much more than anything. Appreciate everyone in life , even the ones that left you . They come for a reason , they go for a reason .

    The other thing.. the one thing he said to me that haunts me till this moment is.. i asked him "Aren't you scared of living , not knowing when your last day is?" He looked at me and replied "Its already written.. It's all in God's hand. If i were to die today , i will die today.. at least i died a hero and i died doing something i love" Who in the right mind has this kind of positivity ? Him . Jimmy did. I guess thats why Carpe Diem meant so much to him.

    Rest in Peace Aramos Hawkermaya @ Jimmy /Yazmi Y.

    Now you fly to your place in heaven .

    Lots of love ,

    Your Friend,


    "Rest in Peace" was Posted On: 15.6.17 @8:42 PM | 0 lovely comments
    staying at home

    It has been 1 month now.. Jobless ,visionless , hopeless.

    "staying at home" was Posted On: 2.6.17 @5:17 PM | 0 lovely comments
    ♥ Suzan Chong

    "♥ Suzan Chong" was Posted On: 27.2.17 @4:41 PM | 0 lovely comments
    congratulations ♥

    "congratulations ♥" was Posted @4:40 PM | 0 lovely comments
    Time changes everything

    Time.. Time is a wonderful present that the universe has given us. How was time created? How was time known to humanity ? well.. according to Google "Historians do not know who or when mankind "invented" a time-keeping device or "clock". and saw the shadow of the sun move across the ground, known as a Sundial. A vertical stick, gnomon, or obelisk that casts a shadow is a Sundial. and they were used as early as 3500 BC. In 1500 BC Egyptians had portable sundials." but today, for me its something different.

    It's been long since i updated this blog, what happened in the years ? My baby girl is growing up fast. she's almost 2 !


    Besides that , i have learnt to move on , away from her father. I do not want to curse this relationship and spill about the beauty in him that i have fallen in love, not wanting to hate him later on.. not wanting to embarrass myself with all the lovey dovey post and end up only to be filled in anger,pain and guilt. i'd rather not, not yet. Time.. Time again has thought me that beautiful things take time to create. what are the beautiful things im talking about ? nothing. i have created nothing beautiful . HAHAHAHAHA ! i just wanted to say , i'll be jobless in march . yey me. i'm nothing but a failure.

    "Time changes everything" was Posted @4:38 PM | 0 lovely comments

    Lost Stars

    Please don't see just a boy caught up in dreams and fantasies
    Please see me reaching out for someone I can't see
    Take my hand let's see where we wake up tomorrow
    Best laid plans sometimes are just a one night stand
    I'd be damned Cupid's demanding back his arrow

    So let's get drunk on our tears and
    It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run
    Searching for meaning
    But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

    Woe is me, if we're not careful turns into reality
    Don't you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow
    Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer

    Turn the page maybe we'll find a brand new ending
    Where we're dancing in our tears and
    It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run
    Searching for meaning
    But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

    I thought I heard you call my name
    I thought I heard you out there crying

    Just the same
    It's hunting season and this lamb is on the run
    Searching for meaning
    But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?
    I thought I heard you call my name
    I thought I heard you out there crying
    But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

    God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young
    Who are we? Just a speck of dust within the galaxy?
    God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young
    I thought I saw you out there crying
    God, give us the reason youth is wasted on the young
    I thought I saw you out there crying
    But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

    "" was Posted On: 16.2.16 @2:30 PM | 0 lovely comments

    "" was Posted @2:17 PM | 0 lovely comments

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