Do you know the feeling .. that particular feeling that arises when you hear the news? That unfamiliar tinge or drop your heart makes . I cannot put my finger around it, i can't really feel. I do not know how to react in this situations..

Death is an indeed inevitable .. so are the feelings . It may not come now but it will later. Sooner or later it will sink in , you won't be numb anymore. Writing this, my facial expression cannot be read. I myself know that i'm not really feeling anything. I am numb , the news got to me real fast and i wanted to cry. I was in shock , i didn't believe it . no.. i didn't want to believe it.

Hours has passed and i'm still not sure about what i feel , it's as if he is not gone. It's funny how i am still expecting him to reply my message. I just want to hear his voice saying "its gonna be okay" . I am not a person who deals with emotions very well but typing this.. i'm letting it go.. my eyes are glassy and my heart is aching..

It's terrible , my words are in a jumble. I'm speechless.. thinking about how gruesome  his death is. I want to be able to know what he felt , how did he cope , his quote was "CARPE DIEM" the urge to live life to the fullest. Oh yes , he was a happy person . He was ALWAYS positive . He had an air in him that made EVERYONE who met him LOVE him. I loved him , my best friends loved him , my sister loved him , she said he was a very trustworthy man . Nevertheless, the thought is still haunting me , i read the news and wondered .. he and his partner ejected from the aircraft , what did they say to each other ? what did he think about ? did he cry ? did he pray ? he hasn't even eaten since its fasting month. He must've been hungry too .. hungry , in pain , lost , thinking about his wife and his six children he left at home.. how are they coping ? are the kids big enough to understand that daddy is not coming home anymore?

How am i gonna feel after this ? should i live up his Quote? live life to the fullest and don't care about what is going to happen in the future? how am i gonna feel knowing that i won't be able to see him again. knowing that i won't be receiving his messages and calls telling me he's back in Labuan.. How am i gonna feel  knowing that i have one less person who brings me up when im down ? who sticks by me no matter what even after finding out what a bad person/friend i am..

Wiping away my tears, i've come to realize that Missing someone who you won't get to see hurts so much more than anything. Appreciate everyone in life , even the ones that left you . They come for a reason , they go for a reason .

The other thing.. the one thing he said to me that haunts me till this moment is.. i asked him "Aren't you scared of living , not knowing when your last day is?" He looked at me and replied "Its already written.. It's all in God's hand. If i were to die today , i will die today.. at least i died a hero and i died doing something i love" Who in the right mind has this kind of positivity ? Him . Jimmy did. I guess thats why Carpe Diem meant so much to him.

Rest in Peace Aramos Hawkermaya @ Jimmy /Yazmi Y.

Now you fly to your place in heaven .

Lots of love ,

Your Friend,

Jay.

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